My camera is down (actually, the battery pack is just recharging) so I can’t take any pictures for a while, but I was sitting on the couch thinking about what I like best about my apartment, which, if you didn’t know already, I’m obsessed with. And you know what, it’s not the great built-ins, or the huge amount of space (over 1,000 square feet! practically a palace) or the great location. It’s that there are no roommates. T. doesn’t count, because a live in boyfriend (partner, spouse, whatever) is very different than roommate. For one, you can walk around in various states of undress whenever you want. Now, I have to preface this by saying I have had some pretty awesome roommates over the years, including some really great friends I’ve lived with, and some random roommates who became really good friends. But I’ve also had some really bad roommates. Here’s a rundown of the funniest and the worst, in chronological order.
- The Slob couple. In my college dorm suite freshman year: messiest girl alive and her boyfriend, messiest guy alive, who moved in with us because his dorm room was literally so messy that it had become uninhabitable. He couldn’t get to the bed, and if you didn’t know where it was you wouldn’t be able to tell because there was 4 feet of crap throughout the whole room. Now, they were both actually really super nice, and I’m not sure its fair to really put them on the list because we had another roommate who was one of the worst people I’ve ever met my life (like, she was just a bad person, you know?,) but I just don’t even know how I can describe her, which is why she isn’t on this list.
- The Junkie. He actually was nice enough, but there are a few reasons he makes the list of worst roomates ever, besides the whole opiates problem thing. a) One day, two guys showed up at the door, asking if the Junkie was home. T. told them he didn’t know (we never knew if he was there, cause his door was always closed when he was home) but they could check. After a while, it seemed obvious he wasn’t home, so T. went in to check on the guys. Fairly nonchalantly, they said something like “oh yeah, he owes us a bunch of money, so we’re going to take his stuff.” Woah. After telling them we couldn’t let them take his stuff without his knowledge, they got a hold of him, he came home, and then T, one of our other roommates and I proceeded to sit on the porch couch (it was one of those places) drink beer and watch these guys carry EVERYTHING worth any money out of his room. They even offered some of it to us, because it wasn’t that they wanted it, it was that they wanted to take it from him. We declined. The Junkie later a) stole some checks from another one of our roommates and b) put a huge pot of pasta on the stove on high at 3am and went into his room and passed out. Luckily our house didn’t burn down because another roommate woke up at 6am to a house full of smoke and a pot full of pasta shaped charcoal. It burned a hole into the porch when she grabbed it and put it outside. He was asked to move out.
- Mysterious Smell guy. This was for me the worst roommate. He was 1) a pathological liar 2) a drunk, 3) creepy. He would stand on the porch with a bottomless glass of booze and headphones on just staring at nothing for hours every night. He would usually start around 7pm and I actually have no idea how long he did it for because most of the time he would still be doing it when we went to sleep around 1 or 2am. Also, MSG’s room was always really clean, but smelled. Really badly. We had to walk past it to get to our room, and the door was always open, and the stench just emanated. It was like he had a rotting fish and some sweaty hocky equipment hidden somewhere. He was also a total martyr with an anger problem. He once got mugged at 3am when he walked down to the sketchy gas station a few blocks away. We were living in an OK part of Berkeley at the time, and honestly, this was one of probably 10 muggings in Berkeley that whole year. He would not shut up about it, and was all set to go buy a gun when the roommate who brought him in told him that if he got a gun he could not live there anymore. He then continued to whine about getting mugged and make vague threats under his breath about what he would do the guy if he ever saw him again for the next two months. We actually moved out of that place, despite the fact that we loved out other two roommates, because I just could not stand to be around the guy.
- Obsessive compulsive passive aggressive neatfreak guy. If I cooked and left my dishes in the sink while I was eating, he woud walk into the kitchen and wash them. If you were sitting on the couch and got up to go to the bathroom when you got back the blankets would be folded and the pillows arranged. None of this would be a problem if he wasn’t totally passive aggressive about it and would resent you because he had to clean up after you. Which he didn’t. I have no problem with super clean people, as long as they only expect other people to be regularly clean. As in – let me eat my god damn dinner before I wash the dishes. He also walked really quickly all the time, which really stressed me out. But that’s probably an issue with me.
Moral of the story? No roommates = heaven. I highly recommend it.
And I know that while my back roommates felt like hell to me, other people have had much worse roommate experience. Comment away below!